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The comfort of memorial websites
– Emine Saner (The Guardian, October 2009)
Most of the people who left messages this week on online memorial sites, expressing their disbelief, sorrow and grief, had never met Georgia Rowe or Neve Lafferty, the two girls who killed themselves on Sunday night. Only a few hours after the news that their bodies had been found in the River Clyde came through, memorial websites had already been created.
Memorial websites are sites where friends and family members upload photographs, sometimes videos and favourite music tracks, with space for people to leave their memories and messages of condolence. Many sites are not private and can be viewed, and added to, by anyone.
As well as messages that have been left on their profiles at social networking site Bebo, tribute pages for Rowe and Lafferty have been created on other specialist memorial sites, including Friends at Rest, Gone Too Soon, Lasting Tribute. More messages have been left in the comments field of stories about their deaths on local newspapers' sites.
On Friends at Rest, someone called Karen Peters writes to Rowe: "God bless sweetheart. I didn't know you that well but I can only begin to imagine what you must have been going through." And on Lafferty's page, Jeremy Gibson writes: "You were so young and it was such a tragic end to your life. I was so sorry to hear about your story. I hope you have finally found peace." Their pictures sit alongside "featured celebrity memorials". Prominent are Patrick Swayze and Michael Jackson.
The blossoming of memorial websites is a relatively new phenomenon. "I think there were two things that happened," says Jonathan Davies, who founded memorial site Much Loved."The death of Diana brought about a change in how we grieve publicly, and then the internet connected people and provided a place for it. Two or three years ago, when we launched, we were quite unusual." Now there are lots of host sites, he points out, as well as families and friends starting their own pages.
Davies set up his site, which currently has around 12,000 memorials, in 2007, 12 years after his brother died suddenly at the age of 21. "It was a drugs-related death and I think this was one of the reasons why his friends didn't get in touch with our family – there was a police investigation, and I think his friends were worried about how we would react, which led to this wall of silence," he says. "I think that actually made our grieving period worse. I felt a website would have opened up the channels of communication."
He believes other families gain comfort from memorial sites. "People thought it was a bit morbid, and I suppose in a sense it is, but in a good way. Some people set up memorials very soon after someone's death – it is a way of coming to terms with what has happened, and a way to express anger and grief and a place for other family members to express condolences. We get a lot set up for young babies, or babies who died at birth, which is a way for parents to create something tangible."
Does it say something about us as a society, that something so private as grief is now often done so publicly? "I do think grief is becoming embraced more by communities – by that I mean people outside the immediate family. I remember in the mid-90s, when my brother died, people would ignore us because they didn't know what to say. That's beginning to change now."
The popularity of online memorials is probably down to the convenience of leaving a message on a website rather than going out, buying flowers, writing a card and leaving it in a place where other people have done the same, as people did in such massive numbers after the death of Diana or of Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman in Soham. If our private lives are more public than ever, thanks partly to Twitter, Facebook and numerous other social networking sites, so it is with our deaths.
But is this outpouring of grief, often for celebrities, but also for those in the news, such as Lafferty and Rowe, people the mourners might never have met, actually genuine? "It is, absolutely," says clinical psychologist Oliver James, "because they are talking about themselves. What is happening is that instead of gaining insight, they are acting out. Instead of properly apprehending their own difficulties, a large proportion of the people who leave these messages are identifying with the difficulties of someone else and emoting. Although the feeling is authentic and truly felt, there is a histrionic dimension to it."
Much Loved is run as a registered charity, aimed at helping families to set up their own sites, but you can't escape the feeling that other sites might have more cynical motives. On Lasting Tribute, which is owned by the Daily Mail newspaper group, there is a shop where you can buy personalised candles, benches and jewellery. For £1, you can also leave a virtual "gift" on people's pages – these include pictures of teddy bears, flags, a pint of beer or a heart. The site set up for Georgia Rowe – which, at the time of writing did not have any tributes, includes a link to the local newspaper's report on her death. A newspaper owned by the Daily Mail group.
You can get all your printing done – bookmarks, cards, memorial keyrings and magnets – through Gone Too Soon, which also features adverts for holiday cottages and genealogists. Its administrators add tribute pages for celebrities such as Patrick Swayze (which has attracted nearly 500 tributes), and Keith Floyd, as soon as they die. The site encourages people to set up memorials, making it clear that you don't have to be a close friend or relation. "Don't think it's not your place to set up a site. You would not be encroaching on other family members' territory," it writes. Proceeds from the virtual "gifts", also £1 each, contribute to running the site.
The site probably does bring comfort to bereaved families, though it also encourages people to set up pages for pets – which doesn't sit entirely comfortably with memorials to stillborn babies. Isn't all this public grieving, and the voyeuristic nature of it, all a bit mawkish? "You could say the same about people walking around graveyards looking at headstones, or leaving flowers at the spot where someone has died," says Davis. "But as long as it is done in the right way – and a memorial website can be – then it provides a time for reflection."
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New code of conduct for virtual grieving
– Bertan Budak (The Guardian, December 2007)
The memorial websites where bereaved people can virtually visit loved ones - viewing pictures, videos and recorded messages, lighting virtual candles, and even leaving comments - now have their own code of conduct. This follows some embarrassing episodes in which a tribute on the site gonetoosoon.co.uk for a boy named Ryan featured an advert for Ryanair, and another case where a memorial for a woman named Sheila had an accompanying advert linked to Sheila's Wheels car insurance.
The voluntary code, at thememorialcode.org, offers five principles to the making and running of such sites - such as that the tribute creator should have the right to privacy and be allowed to grieve and remember without hindrance, and that both initial and recurring costs should be clearly displayed, along with full contact details for the service provider.
Jonathan Davis, who founded the memorial site muchloved.com after the death of his brother Philip in 1995, has been campaigning since June for the code to protect site users from unwanted attention and hidden charges. He created it with four other memorial organisations - missyou.org.uk, tributetimes.co.uk, thelastrespect.com and remembered-forever.org. According to muchloved.com, a charity memorial website, 80% of their users are female and a quarter of their tributes are for people aged over 50.
"Bereaved individuals are very vulnerable and often they'll try to find something beneficial to help them through the grieving process," says Denise Kantor, the media consultant for bereavement agency Cruse, which offers free information and advice to adults and children affected by a death. "Nowadays, a memorial website is a common place to grieve - a lot of people are doing it and find the support these websites offer them very helpful."
But the sites have to pay their way, and that has led to the problems. Ad-supported sites run the risk of offence if the wrong contextual ad is used; those that rely on fees and donations can't be sure that a single payment now will keep the site running for the future.
"People who grieve online are often leaving themselves open to abuse from strangers and companies that are hoping to cash in on the bereaved," says Sophia Dixon, who deleted a tribute to her mother Gladys on gonetoosoon.co.uk after the advertising controversy. "I tried contacting the site organisers but they don't supply an email address, only a phone number which costs £1 per minute".
But his decision to carry ads means some regular users who have removed their tributes in disgust are unlikely to return. ‘Talk about selling out,’ wrote one. ‘It smacks of selling your granny.’
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Computers made our grieving easier
– Clare Grant (Yours Magazine July 2007)
For many of us who have lost loved ones, visiting a churchyard or a crematorium is not always possible. We might live too far away, we might dread crying in public or find the journey too difficult.
But now thousands of grieving spouses, parents and grandparents are finding an unlikely source of comfort – their home computer.
They are turning to tribute pages on special websites, set up so families can remember lost loved ones. And a quarter of all users are aged over 50.
These increasingly popular cyber sites allow you to record your thoughts, display photos, play videos and listen to your chosen music. They can be private, or a way of sharing memories with friends and family. And you can visit your own memorial any time.
Experts say that it’s not unusual for older users to wait some time before setting up a tribute website, because they often need to come to terms with their grief first.
Charity website founder Jonathan Davies, who launched www.muchloved.com this year, says: “Bereavement websites are a response to our changing needs. After my brother died I climbed over the fence of the graveyard one evening to visit his grave because it was closed when I needed to go. You can visit a website any time or place which is very important.”
Bereavement service manager Nikki Archer, who works at St Giles Hospice in Lichfield believes tribute websites will soon become more widespread.
She explains “Twenty years ago, no one put flowers on a roadside following an accident, but this is usual practice now. The way we accept people’s grief is changing. We are more tolerant of accepting expressions of emotions like flowers or books of condolences.
“The way we used to cope with death was to try to minimize its impact with rituals. But the events like the death of the Princess of Wales show we are expressing our grief differently because society is less formal.
“I tell people about websites because they can meet the needs of so many people of all ages. They are definitely here to stay.”
Bereavement experts advise
- There are many tribute websites, so decide what is important to you, such as choosing a charity website.
- Check the on-going costs of your Tribute.
- Make sure your site is password-protected so it can remain private.
- Establish that the site doesn’t have promotional advert links that you don’t like, and avoid sites that look tacky or play unpleasant music.
- Some websites, such as www.missyou.org.uk and www.muchloved.com are developing a voluntary code of conduct, signing up to minimum standards, such as saying what happens to any money generated.
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Family Fury at ‘bad taste’ memorial
– Jamie Doward (The Observer June 2007)
Users of Gonetoosoon, the popular online memorial site that allows members of the public to post their respects to deceased friends and family, are deleting their tributes after it started carrying ‘distasteful’ ads.
The decision to link the website through Google to online ads for everything from financial services to CD’s has caused a furore among regular visitors to the site.
They say some of the ads are particularly distasteful. In one case, an online memorial for a boy called Ryan featured an advert for Ryanair. Another, for a woman called Sheila, linked to Sheila’s Wheels car insurance. A person called Watts was linked to an ad for light bulbs. A tribute to a boy killed in a motorcycle accident carried an ad for a new motorbike while memorials for babies had promotions for nappies and prams.
There is no suggestion the companies involved knew that links to their adverts were being carried on the website.
Within hours of the company’s decision to carry advertising, hundreds of users started expressing their disgust.
‘The last thing I need to see on my site is an advert for Owens conveyor belts,’ wrote one site user. ‘My darling daughter was cremated. How sick to put that there. I am horrified.’
Another wrote: ‘Can you really trust a site which posts an advert of Ian Huntley’s biography – not only on my beautiful friend Ian’s site, but on a website that also has a memorial for Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman?’
One woman wrote: ‘How sick is it that the site of poor Ellie Lawrenson who was savaged by a dog has an advert saying how to protect your family! I will never ever visit GTS again after this.’
In the face of an overwhelming backlash, the site stopped carrying advertising last week.
In a statement posted on the site, Terry George Kernachan, a Yorkshire-based entrepreneur, insisted Gonetoosoon was a ‘labour of love’ which had so far cost him £27,000 to set up and run.
But he said that he had never expected it to be so popular and that he had to look at ways of bringing in revenue to cover mounting costs. The only fee users pay is a £1 per minute charge for calls to a technical service helpline.
‘It seemed like a good idea to put sensitive ads on the site to help pay for some of the costs and our users would suffer no financial loss,’ Kernachan wrote on the Gonetoosoon website. ‘This turned out to be somewhat inappropriate and was quickly removed. A debate was opened up on the site and some positive suggestions arose from it.’
However, some users of the site point out that it has made great efforts to build up its online profile. Gonetoosoon offers a £500 reward to any bereaved family that shares its story with the media as a way of promoting the site. Staff at the website also call the families of the recently deceased asking them if they would like a free online tribute.
The site also encourages people to set up memorials for those they don’t know. ‘Don’t think it’s not your place to set up a site,’ Gonetoosoon says. ‘You would not be encroaching on other family members’ territory.’
The site’s popularity has led to claims the site encourages ‘car crash’ voyeurism in the online world. Celebrity tributes to deceased stars such as snooker player Paul Hunter and footballer Alan Ball, have earned Gonetoosoon hundreds of thousands of hits. Visitors to the site can also send an email to the website that ‘lights a candle’ icon, showing the deceased is in a person’s thoughts.
The burgeoning popularity of so-called ‘cyber graveyards’ has prompted calls for them to be regulated. Jon Davies, creator of Muchloved, a charitable online memorial site, said he would be consulting other sites to ensure grieving families views were respected.
‘We aim to establish a code of conduct to prevent this sort of thing happening again,’ Davies said. ‘In this way we hope something positive can come out of this.’
Kernachan, a director of eight media companies, declined to talk to The Observer. He is now encouraging users to make a contribution to Gonetoosoon to help keep the site free.
But his decision to carry ads means some regular users who have removed their tributes in disgust are unlikely to return. ‘Talk about selling out,’ wrote one. ‘It smacks of selling your granny.’
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